A big pill to swallow

I sure miss that little guy today. I know I will always miss him and that this entire ordeal cannot be "fixed". It is such a big pill to swallow. Oh how I wish it could be "fixed"! I wish someone could say something that would make it all go away.  But I know that going down that "why me?" path is never healthy. It just leads to anger. But there are so many people who have had babies who have had lots of colds and they have never stopped breathing.
I think what I am trying to say is that life is rough. Life is really, really hard and painful. I try not to think about that Christmas Day, but I do. I think about how helpless I felt and how it was the worst.day.EVER. And oh, how hard it was to hold his tiny lifeless body and remember that just 90 minutes before he had been alive and smiling at me. To relive watching everyone try and revive him, and then to hold him in the hospital when I knew he wasn't there anymore...To have to dress his little body, pick out baby caskets and baby burial plots... It was a nightmare I wish on no one. And the hardest part of grieving is feeling alone. It is a very lonely path I walk. How I wish that words would comfort me. Everyone grieves differently and everyone deals with it in a different way. But at my loneliest point I always think of that song:
"He knows your heart
He knows your pain
He knows the strength it took just too simply breathe today
He sees the tears that you cry
He knows your soul is aching to know why
He hears your prayers each humble word
When you said you couldn't face another day he understood
He knows the path that you will find
Though you felt alone he's never left your side
He knew there'd be moments when no earthly words
Could take away your sorrow
And no human eyes could see what you're going through
When you've taken your last step and done all that you can do
He will lift your heavy load and carry you."
I know many people have reached out to me and said such beautiful, kind words, sent books, articles, jewelry, statues, I have felt so loved. The problem is, that it can't be fixed. Not in this life anyways. And that is sometimes a very large pill to swallow.